Jumpy Claps for Melissa McCarthy

I really like it when stylists treat plus-sized women the same way they do the Under 16 Crowd: by putting them in clothing that flatters, regardless of the number on the tag.

Melissa McCarthy's stylist has been guilty of not following this maxim. Often, I see her dressed in clothes that scream, "I am made for fat girls! This is a fat girl shirt!" and I find it disappointing because Melissa is so much better than that. Which is why I'm super happy with her latest esemble:

It's a floral wrap dress from ASOS and it looks fantastic. Often, florals can cause what I like to call "Aunt Edna's Couch Syndrome". This horrifying condition occurs when a plus-sized woman is put in the type of musty and outdated floral print that used to cover Aunt Edna's couch. You remember Aunt Edna: she smelled like mothballs and baby powder, always had a casserole in the oven and a hard candy in her purse, and she still had the same sofa that her parents gave her for her wedding in 1950.

Mel here has handily avoided looking like anything of the sort. This floral print is modern enough to look like this dress is still actually on the shelves, and it's not size-specific. I can see this dress on everyone from Helen Mirren to Dakota Fanning.

She also kind of killed it in the accessories department:



Fat girls can totally rock Jimmy Choo. They may be a smidgeon too high on the ankle in a leg foreshortening kind of way, and I might also wish that her nail polish was slightly more youthful but, really, I'm just splitting hairs.




And the bag! The bag! I don't know that I've seen a better example of how to mix prints in a long time. Same colors, similar scale, perfection! I need this bag. Please tell me it is also from ASOS...

Neon Fan

Wasn't I just saying that the most flattering of all the neon hues is pink? Well, look at what happened last Sunday: 



Fan Bingbing at the Oscars

This is a lot of dress. And she is tiny. But, somehow, this really works. First of all, look at her face. It's really hard to make that look unattractve. While I don't love the fact that the lipstick matches, it has the effect of making her look even more like a living doll.  

I mean, that is a serious amount of silk satin. I love that the folds are very structural. she looks like a Chinese princess made out of hot pink satin origami paper. I have always felt that Asian are more sartorially adventurous than us Westerners, and this just proves my point. What Western actress can you think of that would have pulled this exact look off so flawlessly? Potentially Blanchett.

The inset of embellishment at the back adds a bit of textural interest without detracting from the rest of the dress and has the effect of looking like an obi being peeled away. Super cool. Marchesa works for her because it has the right amount of dreamy drama to compliment her looks and personality.

This is also an instance of great styling. you can plop the dress on her but, as we saw from Renee Zellweger, that isn't where you should stop. The hair has to fit the face and the angles of the gown, while keeping the head in proportion to the rest of the body. This beehive looks retro, architectural, Asian, and modern. all at the same time. Perfect. I maynot have chosen pink sapphires for the jewelry as I feel it tends to blend in with the fabric and lipstick, but I don't really mind it either. In this case, a contrasting color like turquoise could have been striking, but may have been a bit overdone on such a small frame.

In short, this is flawless perfection and I want to have this dress and wear it around my house and to Target carrying a mimosa and long feather boa.

Neon Nation

Remember 80's neon? I do. I had a day-glo Body Glove t-shirt and neon pink leggings. I wore them with my tiered denim acid wash skirt and side ponytail. It was not a good look, but I was committed.

 

Since those days, designers have tried a few times to give it a comeback, but it's never really stuck. I assert that it's because neon just really is not flattering. In fact, they are harsh and aggressive. 

Neons are bullies. They scream "LOOK AT ME! I will burn your eyes and harass your retinas, but you will LOOK!" And I'm just not a fan of bullies.

Nicki Minaj

See? Isn't that harsh? I mean, the color of her hair actually hurts to look at. With such treacherous waters out there in the neon sea, I figure I should do my part to offer safe navigation.

Start small. Choose a piece of jewelry, watch, bow, belt, etc. They are easy to integrate into a closet and you can buy them cheaply enough to get rid of them when this trend's (hopefully, short) half-life is over.

Deborah Lippmann "Who Run the World (Girls)" Collection

Alexis Bittar

Adidas

Topshop

J. Crew

Nordstrom

If you are going to wear any highlighter color at all, I feel the best choice by far is pink. While you may risk it bringing out unflattering redness in your skin, it won't make you look nearly as zombie-riffic as yellow or green.

For the love of all that is sacred a pure, please put your neon on a neutral. Navy blue works especially well, but khaki, grey, and most any denim will work very nicely. White is a bit more challenging, as it can increase the harshness of the neon and give you a 'highlighter on printer paper' effect. Someone with medium to deep skintones can pull this off, but I encourage the pale girls to stay away.

J. Crew

If you feel particularly bold, choose a neon shoe or bag.

Vans

Rebecca Minkoff

J. Crew

J. Crew

Wouldn't those Vans look adorable with cuffed skinny jeans? The sandals would work with denim shorts and the flats would look great with a navy skirt.

Wear this with khaki shorts/skirt and boat shoes for a nautical look:

J. Crew

 Tuck this into a navy pencil skirt and pop a blazer over it for work:

Ted Baker

Add a dark denim jacket and a grey tank for date night:

J. Crew

And please, please, please, do not wear multiple neon colors at once. You may end up looking like this:

Emma Stone's Mixed Blues (Bonus Andrew Garfield)

 

When I say that navy and red are neutrals and can be worn together with other colors I am serious.

First of all, the skirt is freaking adorable. Its 1960's secretarial vibe would normally lend itself to a pairing with a sleek button-down or even a bustier. I like that Emma has added super-trendy stripes to the look and, by doing so in the form of a t-shirt, adds a youthful edge.

The blue stripe of the shirt does not match the skirt. And it's cool. It's called 'tonal'. I don't love the sepia/sienna stripe in the shirt, but it acts as a nice, earthy base and works tonally with her hair.

To avoid that sepia washing out her complexion, she has added a turquoise collar necklace. It works well with both blues (more tonal) and looks great with the earth-tone. Plus, it's young and fresh.

As for the shoes: who doesn't love navy and red? The cut of the pump is flattering for her feet and legs and gives the whole look pizazz.

I guess that's just another 'Easy A' (wah-wah) for Emma Stone!

Dita Von Teese Wants Natural Beauty

So, I don't really know all that much about Dita Von Teese. Probably more than the average person, but that's just because I pay attention to stuff. To me, she is an embodiment of Dolly Parton's famous quip: "Find out who you are and then do it on purpose." She has her styling down to a tee and truly commits to her look.

Take off all her makeup and she's probably a very pretty woman, but lacquer her up and she is a bombshell. This is one thing I love so much about styling: that every woman, no matter how 'average' can find what really works for her and shows her to her best advantage.

This woman is almost 40.

Dita here has her own line of lingerie which goes into the plus sizes and up to a G cup. The little I know about lingerie tells me that going to G is not very extraordinary, but for a celebrity line I think it's pretty decent. She had women of all sizes walk the runway at her show and tweeted: "To set the record straight, my Von Follies lingerie show 'no spray tan policy' means NATURAL skin tones will be represented, pale & dark.''

Fabulous. Severely. I really, really love it. Pale =/= Ugly (or 'pasty').

Beautiful skin and she definitely has lines around her eyes and on her forehead. Awesome. She doesn't appear to be injected with fillers or paralyzers, either.

She's got a sort of Ava Gardner thing happening, and I adore the sharp red nails with half-moon mani. "I've had 2 years to sharpen my claws, mother; Jungle Red!"

Check it: 3 different-sized women wearing very similar garments (i.e. the 'plus size' one is not covered head to toe) and all of them look sexy, confident, and real.

The blonde in the back on the left? A bit heavy in the middle. The brunette next to Dita? Thick thighs. The lady on the right? Hips, baby, hips. Figure flaws? Oh heck no. They all look luscious.

Photos courtesy of JustJared.

Pale Girls at the Grammys

First of all, sorry for the delay in posting. I have been working on my Etsy store, VikingBeautyVintage, and have been doing a fair amount of writing for my book (yes, I am planning on publishing).

In return for putting up with my absence, I will give you a post chock full of Grammy Awards victories and fails as well as a surprise at the end. :)

 Alison Krauss

a

Let's face it: country musicians are not known for good fashion sense. See: Twain, Shania; Chicks, Dixie; Judd, Wynonna and Naomi. Having said that, I do wonder why Alison here is wearing a hand-crocheted capelet/baby afghan. Mostly, when I see it I just wonder why. What is this piece actually doing? It's certainly not keeping her warm or camouflaging lumpy upper arms. It does look like a quality item, but I'm more concerned that she robbed the back of a nursery school sofa. what is this piece actually doing?

Joy Williams

I admit that I have no idea whether this lady is a solo act or part of a group and I don't know what types of music she sings. I'm going to go out on a limb and say country, because she seems to have a bit of Alison Krauss-itis. By which I mean that she appears to have stolen a wee lacy item, but this time she took it to make herself a Barbie's First Funeral gown. Points for keeping the makeup light.

Shelly Mooring of the band Leeland

No idea about this lady, either. To tell the truth I'm not a huge music fan, which is probably why I only recognize the people that I've seen on SNL. Regardless, this broad looks like she went a little too far with 'cutesy-goth' and ended up with 'I had a buy 10 get 1 free coupon at Hot Topic'.

Mika Newton

Allegedly, this one is an actress. She has clearly followed the funeral costume trend but, instead she decided to dress as the tartlet seen faking tears over her rich, 80 year-old lover's grave while trying to sneak a peek at the will.

Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper as a menopausal tartlet and the dead man's former wife.

Bonnie Raitt

Bonnie here is awesome. Great voice and cool personal style with the little swatch of white hair. Very classy. I just wish she hadn't purchased her attire at a sale at SteinMart. I don't mind the pants so much I guess, but I do find them rather casual for THE GRAMMYS. The overgrown metallic sausage casing she squeezed herself into? Not so much.

Skylar Grey

I do not know her but I know I do not like her. 1) her hair is unforgivably flat, 2) she has caked on so much foundation that her skin looks like a wax figure, 3) she is matching her shoes to the carpet. And did I mention the lipstick? Dead dead dead. What with the Grammys and bringing out every one's morbid streak?

Katy Perry

Oh, well here's something decidedly not morbid. Katy does a lovely impression of a Smurf. Which is fitting since she voiced Smurfette in the movie. And yes, I know she's not pale in this picture ( I hope that's a spray tan, Katy), but she usually is so I figured I'd grandfather her in. I actually don't hate the blue hair on her. The dress makes me think of blue cotton candy, though, and then I start to feel slightly queasy.

Robyn

I love Robyn. She's funky and fun and sings dance pop and is from Sweden. She's like a sort of one woman ABBA in that I always want to dance to her songs whenever I hear them regardless of time or place appropriateness. And that's why I will give this a pass.

For more snarkily delicious Grammy commentary visit: The Fug Girls

Bare Legs in Winter? Emily Post Would Faint.

I just really can't get behind this whole 'bare legs in winter' fad that's going around.

There are a few things I can count on during fall and winter: the air getting colder, bundling up in cozy sweaters and blankets, drinking a delicious hot beverage that truly warms from the inside out, wearing an array of fun tights, not having to shave my legs every other day, and giving my pedicure a break.

It's like we're adding to our workload here, ladies. Are you telling me you want to go back to shaving/waxing and pedicuring every week? Please!

A bit warmer than normal? Go for a light wool gabardine and cotton t shirt under an open-knit sweater. And for goodness sakes put on a pair of tights.

There are a fantastic array of sheer hosiery options that will not cause you to overheat while still keeping you seasonably appropriate (and giving you coverage if you have scars, blemishes, or spider veins).

First of all we have a great secret weapon: nude-colored fishnets. Beyonce and Lady Gaga wear them while performing as they add a fuzzy, airbrushed quality to legs. Cellulite is less noticeable and so is uneven skintone.

J.Crew's Nude Fishnets

Fishnets are actually really comfortable.

Try tights with open weaves. They are much stretchier and therefore less binding. They also breathe nicely and you can wear them through spring.

And don't forget that Duchess Catherine made the stodgy old nude pantyhose look modern and pretty. Go for a denier of less than 15 for ultimate sheerness.

Her legs look smooth and covered, not old and crotchety.

Pale Girls at the Golden Globes

The Best

in ascending order

Michelle Williams in Jason Wu

Great color, lovely texture. Michelle has an adorable round face and her gamine haircut and '20s headband give her a Gatsby edge that is unique.

Detail I Love: the belt. It's delicate, breaks up the heaviness of the fabric and echos the headband.

Jodie Foster in Armani Prive

Light teal blue with beading and a bit of interest with the edged ruffle. I don't feel like I've already seen this five times on five other women. I love that she has kept her accessories to the minimum, but her dark shoes are a bit of an eyesore. Nude or metallic, please Jodie.

Detail I Love: Her haircut, which perfectly flatters her angular jaw.

Emma Stone in Lanvin

This crimson and eggplant chiffon number is edgy and elegant and not at all old. Both colors flatter Emma's porcelain skin and her eye makeup reflects the rock and roll aspect of the gown without being heavy or harsh. Small earrings and strappy heels support rather than add to the look so that it doesn't look over styled. I love that the belt buckle gives it a Gothic edge, but I would rather see it mounted on a piece of black velvet instead of that heavy strap of leather.

Detail I Love: Beaded shoulders that are proportionate to her frame make her look like a warrior princess versus Melanie Griffith circa 'Working Girl'.

Shailene Woodley in Marchesa

Do I feel a bit like I've Seen This Before? Maybe. It is Marchesa, after all. But Shailene here is 20 and has a lovely figure and beautiful skin. Her face is not covered in makeup and her accessories are sparse. I applaud her stylist's choice to showcase her youth and natural beauty. 

Detail I Love: The baby-fine netting forming straps and covering her decollete make her look both sexy and demure.

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

Jessica has a beautifully long neck and, therefore, can pull off a high neck like the one on this dress without looking like she's being strangled. The dress is also covered in pearls. I love that it doesn't have sleeves and reminds me of old school Calvin Klein tank dresses. I am not a hug fan of the large button earrings, but her bone structure and windswept hair keep them from looking mumsy.

Detail I Love: The teensy gold belt. It breaks up the solidness of the column dress and brings attention to her waist.

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace

This Woman. I just- I just can't. On anyone else, this would have looked like a Dexter-ish blood slide dress. Her personality and bone structure enable her to pull off a harsh slice of red at the neck. There's no cleavage, but she has a high side slit and the white satin shows off her sick figure. I love the addition of the red clutch. You can't see it in this photo, but Angie's wearing white peep toe shoes. Not Red. This is a Huge Deal. Red shoes and red bag would have ruined the look by making it too 'on the nose' Cruella de Vil-y. 

Detail I Love: That her lipstick is a blue-based red that is a different tone than the accent on the dress. This keeps it from looking costumey.

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci

Scales to feathers in a metallic blue-black-green make Evan look like an exotic creature from a fantasy novel. This dress is like nothing I've ever seen and her brushed back hair, minimal makeup and lack of heavy accessories ensure that the gown is center stage.

Detail I Love: The bit of black tulle at the shoulders and neck look delicate and ladylike.

Tilda Swinton in Haider Ackermann

This color. The shape. The textures. The bracelets. The hair. This woman is from another planet and that planet's name is Flawless. Tilda Swinton is excited by fashion and her obvious love of design and craftsmanship make her a true joy to watch.

Detail I Love: That she folded over one of the lapels. It give the jacket a less deliberate look.

Nicole Kidman in Versace

When Nicole came out onstage last night I yelled "Versace!" at the top of my lungs. I couldn't contain it; I have designer tourettes. Nicole resembles one of those sylph-like art nouveau fairies bedecked in gold buttons. The architectural elements flatter her columnar frame. The decollete is interesting and her cleavage is contained. Small gold accessories support the dress and her long hair adds a feminine touch. No one else could wear this dress as well as Nicole.

Detail I Love: Everything

The Worst

in no particular order

Rooney Mara in Nina Ricci

I don't hate this, I just don't particularly love it. It's very, very severe and I worry that she looks Old. The neckline is actually lovely on her, but I would have preferred to see her in a color. Also, the poor girl looks terrified.

What Kills It: The dust ruffle at the hem.

Kate Winslet in Jenny Packham

I actually don't hate this one, either. You have to love classic black and white and the neckline and sleeves are awesome. I do not love that the white block is on the bottom-half of her body. She is heavier in her hips and I feel this makes her look a bit chunky. It's also a little old. I would love this on Helen Mirren, for example.

What Kills It: The black shoes. No. They take away all of the lightness the white skirt achieved.

Zooey Deschanel In Prada

Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I like you. A lot. Probably more than I should considering you're getting Played Out. Your side-bangs are strange and so is this dress. I actually like the lime green on you. It's young and fun just like you, Zooey. But what is with the weird pattern on top and the black satin sheet on bottom? This is just odd.

What Kills It: The lacy peter pan collar. Chop off the top of this dress and make it strapless. 

Katharine McPhee in Donna Karan

I really don't care about Katharine McPhee. She seems nice, I guess but that's really all the farther I get with her. I will, however, be watching 'Smash', but that's just because Anjelica Huston and Commodore Norrington are also in it. I'm sure you're quite a good singer/actress, but honey. Why are you trying to disappear? You have no color. Anywhere. Not even on your face. In this dress even your personality looks beige.

What Kills It: The color. 

Dianna Agron in Giles

I don't Hate this dress. I just think it's Too Much for her. Take off the tiered lace bottom and add a long skirt of red chiffon. Much better. I just find all the laser cuts to be a bit dizzying and she doesn't have the presence to keep the dress from wearing her.

What Kills It: Her Mom hair.

Julianne Moore in Chanel

Oh Julianne, you look like a little girl who's gotten into her big sister's closet full of Black Swan tutus and put them all on at once. I know a peplum is in, but not when it's layers of dead black tulle around the hips. NOOO. Your face is gorgeous and I covet your hair. See kids? She has cut the drabness of the black dress by adding a flattering color, green, next to her face. Even emeralds, however cannot save this dress.

What Kills It: The entire dress and the boring black clutch.