Pale Girls at the Golden Globes

The Best

in ascending order

Michelle Williams in Jason Wu

Great color, lovely texture. Michelle has an adorable round face and her gamine haircut and '20s headband give her a Gatsby edge that is unique.

Detail I Love: the belt. It's delicate, breaks up the heaviness of the fabric and echos the headband.

Jodie Foster in Armani Prive

Light teal blue with beading and a bit of interest with the edged ruffle. I don't feel like I've already seen this five times on five other women. I love that she has kept her accessories to the minimum, but her dark shoes are a bit of an eyesore. Nude or metallic, please Jodie.

Detail I Love: Her haircut, which perfectly flatters her angular jaw.

Emma Stone in Lanvin

This crimson and eggplant chiffon number is edgy and elegant and not at all old. Both colors flatter Emma's porcelain skin and her eye makeup reflects the rock and roll aspect of the gown without being heavy or harsh. Small earrings and strappy heels support rather than add to the look so that it doesn't look over styled. I love that the belt buckle gives it a Gothic edge, but I would rather see it mounted on a piece of black velvet instead of that heavy strap of leather.

Detail I Love: Beaded shoulders that are proportionate to her frame make her look like a warrior princess versus Melanie Griffith circa 'Working Girl'.

Shailene Woodley in Marchesa

Do I feel a bit like I've Seen This Before? Maybe. It is Marchesa, after all. But Shailene here is 20 and has a lovely figure and beautiful skin. Her face is not covered in makeup and her accessories are sparse. I applaud her stylist's choice to showcase her youth and natural beauty. 

Detail I Love: The baby-fine netting forming straps and covering her decollete make her look both sexy and demure.

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

Jessica has a beautifully long neck and, therefore, can pull off a high neck like the one on this dress without looking like she's being strangled. The dress is also covered in pearls. I love that it doesn't have sleeves and reminds me of old school Calvin Klein tank dresses. I am not a hug fan of the large button earrings, but her bone structure and windswept hair keep them from looking mumsy.

Detail I Love: The teensy gold belt. It breaks up the solidness of the column dress and brings attention to her waist.

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace

This Woman. I just- I just can't. On anyone else, this would have looked like a Dexter-ish blood slide dress. Her personality and bone structure enable her to pull off a harsh slice of red at the neck. There's no cleavage, but she has a high side slit and the white satin shows off her sick figure. I love the addition of the red clutch. You can't see it in this photo, but Angie's wearing white peep toe shoes. Not Red. This is a Huge Deal. Red shoes and red bag would have ruined the look by making it too 'on the nose' Cruella de Vil-y. 

Detail I Love: That her lipstick is a blue-based red that is a different tone than the accent on the dress. This keeps it from looking costumey.

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci

Scales to feathers in a metallic blue-black-green make Evan look like an exotic creature from a fantasy novel. This dress is like nothing I've ever seen and her brushed back hair, minimal makeup and lack of heavy accessories ensure that the gown is center stage.

Detail I Love: The bit of black tulle at the shoulders and neck look delicate and ladylike.

Tilda Swinton in Haider Ackermann

This color. The shape. The textures. The bracelets. The hair. This woman is from another planet and that planet's name is Flawless. Tilda Swinton is excited by fashion and her obvious love of design and craftsmanship make her a true joy to watch.

Detail I Love: That she folded over one of the lapels. It give the jacket a less deliberate look.

Nicole Kidman in Versace

When Nicole came out onstage last night I yelled "Versace!" at the top of my lungs. I couldn't contain it; I have designer tourettes. Nicole resembles one of those sylph-like art nouveau fairies bedecked in gold buttons. The architectural elements flatter her columnar frame. The decollete is interesting and her cleavage is contained. Small gold accessories support the dress and her long hair adds a feminine touch. No one else could wear this dress as well as Nicole.

Detail I Love: Everything

The Worst

in no particular order

Rooney Mara in Nina Ricci

I don't hate this, I just don't particularly love it. It's very, very severe and I worry that she looks Old. The neckline is actually lovely on her, but I would have preferred to see her in a color. Also, the poor girl looks terrified.

What Kills It: The dust ruffle at the hem.

Kate Winslet in Jenny Packham

I actually don't hate this one, either. You have to love classic black and white and the neckline and sleeves are awesome. I do not love that the white block is on the bottom-half of her body. She is heavier in her hips and I feel this makes her look a bit chunky. It's also a little old. I would love this on Helen Mirren, for example.

What Kills It: The black shoes. No. They take away all of the lightness the white skirt achieved.

Zooey Deschanel In Prada

Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I like you. A lot. Probably more than I should considering you're getting Played Out. Your side-bangs are strange and so is this dress. I actually like the lime green on you. It's young and fun just like you, Zooey. But what is with the weird pattern on top and the black satin sheet on bottom? This is just odd.

What Kills It: The lacy peter pan collar. Chop off the top of this dress and make it strapless. 

Katharine McPhee in Donna Karan

I really don't care about Katharine McPhee. She seems nice, I guess but that's really all the farther I get with her. I will, however, be watching 'Smash', but that's just because Anjelica Huston and Commodore Norrington are also in it. I'm sure you're quite a good singer/actress, but honey. Why are you trying to disappear? You have no color. Anywhere. Not even on your face. In this dress even your personality looks beige.

What Kills It: The color. 

Dianna Agron in Giles

I don't Hate this dress. I just think it's Too Much for her. Take off the tiered lace bottom and add a long skirt of red chiffon. Much better. I just find all the laser cuts to be a bit dizzying and she doesn't have the presence to keep the dress from wearing her.

What Kills It: Her Mom hair.

Julianne Moore in Chanel

Oh Julianne, you look like a little girl who's gotten into her big sister's closet full of Black Swan tutus and put them all on at once. I know a peplum is in, but not when it's layers of dead black tulle around the hips. NOOO. Your face is gorgeous and I covet your hair. See kids? She has cut the drabness of the black dress by adding a flattering color, green, next to her face. Even emeralds, however cannot save this dress.

What Kills It: The entire dress and the boring black clutch.

Sugar Cookie Princess

Sometimes, I compare the colors of my clothes to food.

It's an easy way to learn color and is more descriptive than 'orangey-red'. 'Orangey-red' could mean a number of things, but 'tomato-colored' is much more targeted.

When I am trying a new color or am attempting to pinpoint the shade that would look best on me, I mentally assign the color to a food item. Then, I section that food item off into groups.
This makes it easier for me to classify the color and, therefore decide if it is flattering.

Example: Beige

Biscuity (neutral)
-garbanzo bean (warm)
-snickerdoodle (neutral)
-mashed potatoes (cool)

See? I realize I sound a bit nuts, but it works for me. So, that brings me to my photo topic of the day: Princess Charlene of Monaco.

Charlene Wittstock, Princess of Monaco

Looks like she stole Kate's nude pumps.

This outfit is the color of a sugar cookie. It's a bit on the cool side and that works with her ice-blonde highlights and fair complexion. She has also grasped one of the keys to making a monochromatic look work: texture. Her skirt is a different texture than her belted poncho, which is a different texture than her leather gloves.

In short, this is fabulous.

But, don't get too excited.

Princess Charlene and Prince Albert

We now have the Taupe Monster. Taupe does not have an assigned food because it is half gray and half brown and that's a pretty easy concept to grasp.

Now, I actually really like the dress. It's bold to swathe her strong swimmers shoulders in an origami napkin of velvet, but she is quite tall and carries it off. And I don't even mind the color as much as I mind her face paired with said color.

At least she has color on her nails...?

She could also use an eyebrow pencil.

She has no color. I mean, she's put purple on her eyes (which is a mistake in my opinion), but has nothing on her lips and no blush. She looks like a weird, unfinished mannequin. Ladies, this is why we need blush. And lipstick. Something. Anything. Help her.

And what is with the Tin Tin hair? That mess is so full of Dep it could withstand a hurricane.

And does her uni-sleeve have a thumb hole? That's a cute addition on a sweater or tee, but on a formal gown? No.

Tilda Swinton would have done this better. But I suppose that's unfair because, when it comes to fashion,  Tilda Swinton does everything better.

Charlene, you are both Doing It Right and Doing It Wrong. Kudos.

Animal Print Week Part One

Ava Gardner

Animal Prints are a classic. They've been around since the days when brave hunters went off to kill things, and women decided to feel pretty. But is it Okay?

Sometimes, when I'm advising on the uses of AP I warn against the all-too-easy to wander into sector of Lisa Rinnaville.


If you used to watch award shows back when Joan Rivers was still allowed on major networks and E! was just a fledgling channel then you know what I mean.

The woman is a self-confessed AP Addict. And she does not wear it well.

I admit that using someone so obviously Crackers is a bit dramatic, but you cannot look past her obvious abuse of this fine print. You know what this red carpet needs? Claws and Growls. Guess what I'm adding to my sheer leopard bodysuit? A skirt of feathers. Suck on that Black Swan!

But is there a way to do this right? Since we're seeing a resurgence in AP in the coming fashion seasons, I thought I'd make a post each day illustrating the ins and outs of this key print.

I leave you with some glorious examples of Animal Print Gone Wrong. Until tomorrow!

Gaucho Pants

Paz de la Huerta in a dress of ill-proportions

Khloe Kardashian in a long-sleeved, mock-neck, Tube Dress of Doom.

Kim Kardashian committing retinal assault in a jumpsuit.

Katie "Jordan" Price proving my 'no boots' point.

Leggings. Really?

Miss Fix-It

Karen Gillan

Oh, girl.

Girl.

Your skin? Flawless. 

Your hair? A lovely shade of ginger (and we all know how I feel about gingers).

 Might I suggest two things:

Smokey Eyes: Black Holes for The Pale?

Ellen Degeneres is in good hands

So here's the thing: we have been bombarded for the last 10 years by The Smokey Eye.

It's Sexy.
It's Smokey.
It's Sultry.
It takes 4 people, six eye shadows, an eye liner, and a psychoanalyst to achieve.

Apart from being challenging to execute, it also poses problems for the Melanin-challenged. Want to look like a raccoon? Check. Need a quick way to get your coworkers to ask where you got two black eyes? Check. Want to look like you're into Death Metal during a board meeting? Check Mate.

Breathe a sigh of relief, however, because the Smokey Eye is not unattainable for The Pale. We just have to adhere to a few rules.

Rule 1:  Unless you are going to a concert, a club, or dressing in costume DO NOT go entirely black.

Taylor Momsen

Little Miss Momsen up there is in a (pretty awesome, actually) Rock Band. She sings lead. Therefore, this look is acceptable on her. Now, do I wish she didn't do her makeup this way all the time? Totally. One of my greatest wishes is to catch a glimpse of a paparazzi pic of her leaving the Safeway wearing nothing but a light shimmer shadow and some Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers.

If you are using a black eyeliner as a base for your Smokey Eye, then make sure to layer some colored shadows on top to soften the look.

Rule 2: Please do not forget the rest of your face. Once we've lined, smudged, swiped, brushed, and blended we can feel like giving up on everything else. Revisit Little Miss Momsen. No blush, no lips, just a giant pasty face with bleached hair and black holes for eyes. Not attractive. It's just as bad when you remember your eyes an lips but forget than you also own skin. Exhibit B:

Kat Dennings

Lady Dennings here is rad. She's Pale, Curvy, and seems to have a cheeky attitude. The thing that ruins this look is that she looks like a Vampire Barbie Doll. And not in The Good Way. She has puce/mauve-tinged eyes, 800 year-old brick lipstick, and a dress that looks like a 1940's tablecloth. She has no color and no life.

Rule 3: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to execute an ultradark Smokey Eye if you are over the age of 40.

Elizabeth Mitchell

E. Mitch is a beautiful woman who appears to have been led astray by a vengeful makeup artist. Shadow or liner on bottom lids tend to look heavy and can sink into Dark Circles (something we Pale know all about) and la in wrinkles. All of the discolorations your skin has picked up in the last near half-century will be brought to full attention with heavy undereye makeup.

What should The Pale be doing? Well, we should use colors to smoke out our peepers. Deep burgundies, purples, and browns bring all the same goodies to the table as do black and gray, just with far less baggage. Also worth noting: just because it's traditionally a dark look doesn't mean you can't use some awesome light to medium shadows and smoke them out. It keeps the look fresh and work-appropriate.


Examples of doing it Right:

Keira Knightley

Jessica Stam

Amanda Seyfried

Think that you can't wear a Smokey Eye is you are Asian? Think again.

Liu Wen

Fan Bing Bing

**all photos credited to their respective owners. none of these are mine.