Jumpy Claps for Melissa McCarthy

I really like it when stylists treat plus-sized women the same way they do the Under 16 Crowd: by putting them in clothing that flatters, regardless of the number on the tag.

Melissa McCarthy's stylist has been guilty of not following this maxim. Often, I see her dressed in clothes that scream, "I am made for fat girls! This is a fat girl shirt!" and I find it disappointing because Melissa is so much better than that. Which is why I'm super happy with her latest esemble:

It's a floral wrap dress from ASOS and it looks fantastic. Often, florals can cause what I like to call "Aunt Edna's Couch Syndrome". This horrifying condition occurs when a plus-sized woman is put in the type of musty and outdated floral print that used to cover Aunt Edna's couch. You remember Aunt Edna: she smelled like mothballs and baby powder, always had a casserole in the oven and a hard candy in her purse, and she still had the same sofa that her parents gave her for her wedding in 1950.

Mel here has handily avoided looking like anything of the sort. This floral print is modern enough to look like this dress is still actually on the shelves, and it's not size-specific. I can see this dress on everyone from Helen Mirren to Dakota Fanning.

She also kind of killed it in the accessories department:



Fat girls can totally rock Jimmy Choo. They may be a smidgeon too high on the ankle in a leg foreshortening kind of way, and I might also wish that her nail polish was slightly more youthful but, really, I'm just splitting hairs.




And the bag! The bag! I don't know that I've seen a better example of how to mix prints in a long time. Same colors, similar scale, perfection! I need this bag. Please tell me it is also from ASOS...

Pale Girls at the Golden Globes

The Best

in ascending order

Michelle Williams in Jason Wu

Great color, lovely texture. Michelle has an adorable round face and her gamine haircut and '20s headband give her a Gatsby edge that is unique.

Detail I Love: the belt. It's delicate, breaks up the heaviness of the fabric and echos the headband.

Jodie Foster in Armani Prive

Light teal blue with beading and a bit of interest with the edged ruffle. I don't feel like I've already seen this five times on five other women. I love that she has kept her accessories to the minimum, but her dark shoes are a bit of an eyesore. Nude or metallic, please Jodie.

Detail I Love: Her haircut, which perfectly flatters her angular jaw.

Emma Stone in Lanvin

This crimson and eggplant chiffon number is edgy and elegant and not at all old. Both colors flatter Emma's porcelain skin and her eye makeup reflects the rock and roll aspect of the gown without being heavy or harsh. Small earrings and strappy heels support rather than add to the look so that it doesn't look over styled. I love that the belt buckle gives it a Gothic edge, but I would rather see it mounted on a piece of black velvet instead of that heavy strap of leather.

Detail I Love: Beaded shoulders that are proportionate to her frame make her look like a warrior princess versus Melanie Griffith circa 'Working Girl'.

Shailene Woodley in Marchesa

Do I feel a bit like I've Seen This Before? Maybe. It is Marchesa, after all. But Shailene here is 20 and has a lovely figure and beautiful skin. Her face is not covered in makeup and her accessories are sparse. I applaud her stylist's choice to showcase her youth and natural beauty. 

Detail I Love: The baby-fine netting forming straps and covering her decollete make her look both sexy and demure.

Jessica Chastain in Givenchy

Jessica has a beautifully long neck and, therefore, can pull off a high neck like the one on this dress without looking like she's being strangled. The dress is also covered in pearls. I love that it doesn't have sleeves and reminds me of old school Calvin Klein tank dresses. I am not a hug fan of the large button earrings, but her bone structure and windswept hair keep them from looking mumsy.

Detail I Love: The teensy gold belt. It breaks up the solidness of the column dress and brings attention to her waist.

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace

This Woman. I just- I just can't. On anyone else, this would have looked like a Dexter-ish blood slide dress. Her personality and bone structure enable her to pull off a harsh slice of red at the neck. There's no cleavage, but she has a high side slit and the white satin shows off her sick figure. I love the addition of the red clutch. You can't see it in this photo, but Angie's wearing white peep toe shoes. Not Red. This is a Huge Deal. Red shoes and red bag would have ruined the look by making it too 'on the nose' Cruella de Vil-y. 

Detail I Love: That her lipstick is a blue-based red that is a different tone than the accent on the dress. This keeps it from looking costumey.

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci

Scales to feathers in a metallic blue-black-green make Evan look like an exotic creature from a fantasy novel. This dress is like nothing I've ever seen and her brushed back hair, minimal makeup and lack of heavy accessories ensure that the gown is center stage.

Detail I Love: The bit of black tulle at the shoulders and neck look delicate and ladylike.

Tilda Swinton in Haider Ackermann

This color. The shape. The textures. The bracelets. The hair. This woman is from another planet and that planet's name is Flawless. Tilda Swinton is excited by fashion and her obvious love of design and craftsmanship make her a true joy to watch.

Detail I Love: That she folded over one of the lapels. It give the jacket a less deliberate look.

Nicole Kidman in Versace

When Nicole came out onstage last night I yelled "Versace!" at the top of my lungs. I couldn't contain it; I have designer tourettes. Nicole resembles one of those sylph-like art nouveau fairies bedecked in gold buttons. The architectural elements flatter her columnar frame. The decollete is interesting and her cleavage is contained. Small gold accessories support the dress and her long hair adds a feminine touch. No one else could wear this dress as well as Nicole.

Detail I Love: Everything

The Worst

in no particular order

Rooney Mara in Nina Ricci

I don't hate this, I just don't particularly love it. It's very, very severe and I worry that she looks Old. The neckline is actually lovely on her, but I would have preferred to see her in a color. Also, the poor girl looks terrified.

What Kills It: The dust ruffle at the hem.

Kate Winslet in Jenny Packham

I actually don't hate this one, either. You have to love classic black and white and the neckline and sleeves are awesome. I do not love that the white block is on the bottom-half of her body. She is heavier in her hips and I feel this makes her look a bit chunky. It's also a little old. I would love this on Helen Mirren, for example.

What Kills It: The black shoes. No. They take away all of the lightness the white skirt achieved.

Zooey Deschanel In Prada

Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I like you. A lot. Probably more than I should considering you're getting Played Out. Your side-bangs are strange and so is this dress. I actually like the lime green on you. It's young and fun just like you, Zooey. But what is with the weird pattern on top and the black satin sheet on bottom? This is just odd.

What Kills It: The lacy peter pan collar. Chop off the top of this dress and make it strapless. 

Katharine McPhee in Donna Karan

I really don't care about Katharine McPhee. She seems nice, I guess but that's really all the farther I get with her. I will, however, be watching 'Smash', but that's just because Anjelica Huston and Commodore Norrington are also in it. I'm sure you're quite a good singer/actress, but honey. Why are you trying to disappear? You have no color. Anywhere. Not even on your face. In this dress even your personality looks beige.

What Kills It: The color. 

Dianna Agron in Giles

I don't Hate this dress. I just think it's Too Much for her. Take off the tiered lace bottom and add a long skirt of red chiffon. Much better. I just find all the laser cuts to be a bit dizzying and she doesn't have the presence to keep the dress from wearing her.

What Kills It: Her Mom hair.

Julianne Moore in Chanel

Oh Julianne, you look like a little girl who's gotten into her big sister's closet full of Black Swan tutus and put them all on at once. I know a peplum is in, but not when it's layers of dead black tulle around the hips. NOOO. Your face is gorgeous and I covet your hair. See kids? She has cut the drabness of the black dress by adding a flattering color, green, next to her face. Even emeralds, however cannot save this dress.

What Kills It: The entire dress and the boring black clutch.

Aubergine Dream and A Well-Tailored Coat

 Often, women go overboard with holiday-themed sweaters a la Mark Darcy

Green, gold and cherry red are all lovely colors but can come off as a bit too 'on-the-nose' and wind up looking simply comical.

But Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge earns top marks for her gorgeous Christmas morning ensemble.

Color correct: Her coat is aubergine and her hat is cranberry.

She looks festive (what's more festive than cranberries?), regal, comfortable, demure, and (most importantly) warm.

I love that the hat and coat do not match. They coordinate. They are the same tones of two similar colors. The hat is a warm hue made in a soft velvet, bot of which serve to warm and soften her complexion. And she wears matching gloves. *swoon*

Her coat is perfectly tailored. Note the shoulders: draw an imaginary straight line from the widest part of her upper arm. If the shoulder seam falls on that line, the shoulders fit. If the seam hangs over, it's too big. If the shoulder sticks out from under the seam, it's too small. Remember: shoulder pads are your friend.

I really don't love her heavy eyeliner. I know I've said it before, but it ages her and I don't feel she needs it. Having said that, it's clear that she likes it and clearly so does Will. That's good enough for me.




P.S. I will love forever the person that finds me a picture of the back of this hat.


EDIT: the lovely jeanettic found some more great profile shots of the hat and coat, as well as Kate's lovely pair of Mascaro suede shoes.

 By the way, this hat is a modified trilby (essentially a fedora without the pinches).

Sugar Cookie Princess

Sometimes, I compare the colors of my clothes to food.

It's an easy way to learn color and is more descriptive than 'orangey-red'. 'Orangey-red' could mean a number of things, but 'tomato-colored' is much more targeted.

When I am trying a new color or am attempting to pinpoint the shade that would look best on me, I mentally assign the color to a food item. Then, I section that food item off into groups.
This makes it easier for me to classify the color and, therefore decide if it is flattering.

Example: Beige

Biscuity (neutral)
-garbanzo bean (warm)
-snickerdoodle (neutral)
-mashed potatoes (cool)

See? I realize I sound a bit nuts, but it works for me. So, that brings me to my photo topic of the day: Princess Charlene of Monaco.

Charlene Wittstock, Princess of Monaco

Looks like she stole Kate's nude pumps.

This outfit is the color of a sugar cookie. It's a bit on the cool side and that works with her ice-blonde highlights and fair complexion. She has also grasped one of the keys to making a monochromatic look work: texture. Her skirt is a different texture than her belted poncho, which is a different texture than her leather gloves.

In short, this is fabulous.

But, don't get too excited.

Princess Charlene and Prince Albert

We now have the Taupe Monster. Taupe does not have an assigned food because it is half gray and half brown and that's a pretty easy concept to grasp.

Now, I actually really like the dress. It's bold to swathe her strong swimmers shoulders in an origami napkin of velvet, but she is quite tall and carries it off. And I don't even mind the color as much as I mind her face paired with said color.

At least she has color on her nails...?

She could also use an eyebrow pencil.

She has no color. I mean, she's put purple on her eyes (which is a mistake in my opinion), but has nothing on her lips and no blush. She looks like a weird, unfinished mannequin. Ladies, this is why we need blush. And lipstick. Something. Anything. Help her.

And what is with the Tin Tin hair? That mess is so full of Dep it could withstand a hurricane.

And does her uni-sleeve have a thumb hole? That's a cute addition on a sweater or tee, but on a formal gown? No.

Tilda Swinton would have done this better. But I suppose that's unfair because, when it comes to fashion,  Tilda Swinton does everything better.

Charlene, you are both Doing It Right and Doing It Wrong. Kudos.

Animal Print Part Two

Key 1:

Minimalism.


Basically every print looks crazy if you wear it all over your body. Very few people can do this and pull it off. Most of them already have a signature Look and the AP just plays a supporting role.


Start by adding an accessory. I feel that shoes are really where one can experiment with entry-level AP. Avoid shoes with humongous platforms, myriad straps, or boots of any kind (reptile is the only exception).

Prada

Via Spiga

Coach

Wearing them with all black gives a playful edge to a monochromatic look.

Kate Moss

Toss them on with jeans when you want to add a bit of flirtyness to an old standby.

Cameron Diaz

Another great way to integrate some AP is through a handbag. They look great when displayed on classic shapes such as a chain purse, doctor's bag, or satchel. Avoid backpacks, hobos, and heavy-handed hardware.

Dita von Teese

An animal print belt on top of a flattering solid color is unexpected and fun. Avoid belts over 2'' thick, elastic cinch belts, double-buckles, and rhinestones.

Stay tuned for the continuation of Our Saga.

A Different Kind of Smokey Eye

  


I once read a quote from a makeup artist that said you should never wear the same color eyeshadow as your eye color because you will look overdone. I call Shenanigans! Brown eyeshadow cannot be place near a lady with brown eyes or else she will look Cracked Out? Um, no. Can it look a bit drab? Sure, but it's not Wrong.

Evidence:

Do I look crackers with green shadow all over my eyes? I think not.

 Now, this is not the exact same color as my irises, but it's close enough for this experiment.

Summery, Smokey, Colorful, and not Insane. Eyeshadows from MAC's A Tartan Tale Holiday 2010 collection.

Smokey Eyes: Black Holes for The Pale?

Ellen Degeneres is in good hands

So here's the thing: we have been bombarded for the last 10 years by The Smokey Eye.

It's Sexy.
It's Smokey.
It's Sultry.
It takes 4 people, six eye shadows, an eye liner, and a psychoanalyst to achieve.

Apart from being challenging to execute, it also poses problems for the Melanin-challenged. Want to look like a raccoon? Check. Need a quick way to get your coworkers to ask where you got two black eyes? Check. Want to look like you're into Death Metal during a board meeting? Check Mate.

Breathe a sigh of relief, however, because the Smokey Eye is not unattainable for The Pale. We just have to adhere to a few rules.

Rule 1:  Unless you are going to a concert, a club, or dressing in costume DO NOT go entirely black.

Taylor Momsen

Little Miss Momsen up there is in a (pretty awesome, actually) Rock Band. She sings lead. Therefore, this look is acceptable on her. Now, do I wish she didn't do her makeup this way all the time? Totally. One of my greatest wishes is to catch a glimpse of a paparazzi pic of her leaving the Safeway wearing nothing but a light shimmer shadow and some Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers.

If you are using a black eyeliner as a base for your Smokey Eye, then make sure to layer some colored shadows on top to soften the look.

Rule 2: Please do not forget the rest of your face. Once we've lined, smudged, swiped, brushed, and blended we can feel like giving up on everything else. Revisit Little Miss Momsen. No blush, no lips, just a giant pasty face with bleached hair and black holes for eyes. Not attractive. It's just as bad when you remember your eyes an lips but forget than you also own skin. Exhibit B:

Kat Dennings

Lady Dennings here is rad. She's Pale, Curvy, and seems to have a cheeky attitude. The thing that ruins this look is that she looks like a Vampire Barbie Doll. And not in The Good Way. She has puce/mauve-tinged eyes, 800 year-old brick lipstick, and a dress that looks like a 1940's tablecloth. She has no color and no life.

Rule 3: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to execute an ultradark Smokey Eye if you are over the age of 40.

Elizabeth Mitchell

E. Mitch is a beautiful woman who appears to have been led astray by a vengeful makeup artist. Shadow or liner on bottom lids tend to look heavy and can sink into Dark Circles (something we Pale know all about) and la in wrinkles. All of the discolorations your skin has picked up in the last near half-century will be brought to full attention with heavy undereye makeup.

What should The Pale be doing? Well, we should use colors to smoke out our peepers. Deep burgundies, purples, and browns bring all the same goodies to the table as do black and gray, just with far less baggage. Also worth noting: just because it's traditionally a dark look doesn't mean you can't use some awesome light to medium shadows and smoke them out. It keeps the look fresh and work-appropriate.


Examples of doing it Right:

Keira Knightley

Jessica Stam

Amanda Seyfried

Think that you can't wear a Smokey Eye is you are Asian? Think again.

Liu Wen

Fan Bing Bing

**all photos credited to their respective owners. none of these are mine.